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HUMOR

Just a little levity to lighten your day

Updated May 13, 2003


DOG BITE
    A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will, what will? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite."


CHAOS
   
Three friends - a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician - were discussing which of their professions was the oldest.
    The surgeon said "Eve was created from Adam's rib - a surgical procedure."
    The engineer replied: "before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job."
    The politician said, "Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?"


A SIMPLE OPERATION
    A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" he was asked. 
    He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'" 
    "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" 
    "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"


GONE FISHING
   
Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?" 
    Guy number one replied, "I don’t know... why don’t ya come on over here?" 
    "I don’t know... I don’t see a bridge, and their ain't no boat, and I don’t swim to well."
    Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, "Why don’t you walk across this here beam off light?"
    Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!"


FLY ME TO EGYPT
   
On a Sunday school class, children were studying the early life of Jesus and were asked to draw a picture of their idea of his family’s flight into Egypt. The teacher was going around the room and saw that one boy had drawn a picture of an airplane, and she noticed that it had four people in it. She said to the small artist, "that’s interesting. I see you have Joseph, and Mary, and that cute little person must be baby Jesus. But who’s the fourth person?"
    "Oh," said the boy, "that’s Pontius the pilot."


DON'T LOOSE YOUR HEAD
   
A king worried about a possible rebellion. He ordered three Counts be brought in. He asked the first if he planned a rebellion. The Count wouldn't answer, so the King had him guillotined. He then asked the second Count. He would not talk, so he was guillotined. The King then turned to the third Count. He wouldn't talk, either, and was placed in the guillotine. At the last moment, he opened his mouth to speak. Too late. The blade fell and his head rolled. And so the King never knew what he wanted to say.
    The moral: Don't hatchet your Counts before they chicken!


DRIP DRY
   
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
    When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
    Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."


WHAT IS THE ANSWER
   
A poet and a scientist were traveling together on a plane. The scientist was bored and said to the poet, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $5."
    The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
    The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50."
    The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"
    The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.
    The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."
    The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"
    The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.
    The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted, "you can't do this to me! What's the answer?"
    The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.


BLONDE GAMBLER
   
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, " I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm nude."
    With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
    Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
    The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"
    Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb.


FIRST DEMOCRAT
   
They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat. When he left to discover America, he didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.


VALUE FOR THE DOLLAR
   
A feisty 70-year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor. 
    "Labor charges!" she exclaimed. "It only took you five minutes." 
    The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call. 
    "Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake. The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.


Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? 

A: To see what was on the other side.


SECRET OF LIFE
   
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. 
    "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,"she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" 
    "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." 
    "That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?' 
    "Twenty-six," he said.


MUSICALLY GIFTED
   
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. 
    Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." 
    A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."


MAGIC
   
A man who worked in a cruise liner as a magician had a parrot and every time the man did a trick the parrot yelled, “it’s in the pocket,” “it’s in the pocket,” the magician would do another trick and the parrot yelled, “it’s in the hat”, “it’s in the hat.”
    One day during his act the cruise liner had a problem and the ship sunk. The parrot came up from the water and looking confused said; “NOW WHERE DID HE HIDE THE SHIP.”


THE PRICE OF THINGS
   
My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill. 
    "Well Mary," said the man, "Near as I can figure, based of the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we got a hog back on the farm that's worth at least $137,000."


PLANTING TIME
    A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "I have decided to plant some vegetables in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" 
    The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter, "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." 
    A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "You won't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." 
    The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the vegetables."


LET ME PASS
   
A fellow decided to take a bicycle ride from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He rode the first hour or so, and then got very tired, as the ride is mostly uphill. So he decided to hitchhike. For about a half an hour no one came, then a corvette stopped and offered a ride. The biker looked at the car and said I can fit in the car, but what about my bike? The driver said no problem, I have a rope in the trunk and I will tie one end on the bumper and the other end on the bike and I will pull you. I will go kind of slow and if I get going too fast just honk your horn and I will slow down. So they took off and every thing was fine until another corvette just flew past them. Not to be out done, the driver stepped on the gas to catch him. Well, they drove through a speed trap. The first police officer radioed the second and said, "You have two corvettes coming at you doing about 120 MPH, and you won’t believe this, but there is a guy on a bicycle behind them honking to pass."


NEW KITTENS
   
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." 
    "How did you know that?" his mother asked. 
    "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."


AT THE GATES...
   
...to heaven a new arrival, George noted that there were two paths, one marked Women, and one marked Men. He took the later path and found that it lead to two gates.
    The gate on the right had a sign that said: Men who were dominated by their Wives. The sign on the left read: Men who dominated their Wives. The right-hand gate had a long line of men waiting, but there was only one scrawny little fellow at the left-hand gate.
    George, before deciding which gate to go to, went over to the scrawny man and asked, "Why are you at this gate?"
    The little fellow replied, “I don’t know. My wife just told me to stand here."


HAPPY BIRTHDAY
   
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" 
    Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."


THE FIRST ONE
   
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The leaf had been pressed in between pages. 
    "Momma, look what I found", the boy called out. 
    "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. 
    With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!"


SURPRISE
    The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel #5 for his wife's birthday. 
    "A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk. 
    "You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."


Can You Solve It?
    AALLLOUGNINCEACELSSSEANRYTELNETCTEERS
    If you cross out all unnecessary letters in the above string of letters, a logical sentence will remain. Can you read what it says?
    If you cross out the letters, ALL UNNECESSARY LETTERS, the remaining letters will spell: A LOGICAL SENTENCE!


WAKE UP
   
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
    The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."


WHICH HALF
   
Two women ran into the court of King Solomon, fighting. "My daughter was to marry this man, but this woman claims that the man was to marry HER daughter!" one of them yelled.
    "There is a simple solution," said the King. "I shall cut the man in two and each of your daughters can have a piece."
    "Fine by me!" said the first woman.
    "No, don't, I would rather let the other girl marry him than that!" cried the second.
    The King didn't hesitate for a minute. "Fine." he said. "The first woman my have him."
    "What?" protested the other? "She wanted him cut in two!"
    "Indeed" said the king. "She shows the true spirit of a mother-in-law!"


BUNK MATES
   
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. 
    In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." 
    The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
    "Why not," giggles the woman. 
    "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."


Found in a fortune cookie: 
   
"You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from bakery products."


THE RIGHT GIFT
   
There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her. 
    So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her. 
    Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval. 
    Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!
    Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway." 
    Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car." 
    Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."


Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support 

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display. What should I do? 

A: Pick it up and shake it. 

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the screen.

A: Pick it up and shake it. 

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? 

A: Pick it up and shake it. Set it down. 

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project. 

A: Pick it up and shake it. 

Q: How do I delete a document from my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it. 

Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch document? 

A: Stop shaking it.


ENGLISH IS HARD TO LEARN
    *   
We must polish the Polish furniture. 
    *    He could lead if he would get the lead out. 
    *    The farm was used to produce produce. 
    *    The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 
    *    The soldier decided to desert in the desert. 
    *    This was a good time to present the present. (And this last could mean "gift" or "era of time ") 
    *    A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 
    *    When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 
    *    I did not object to the object. 
    *    The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 
    *    The bandage was wound around the wound. 
    *    There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 
    *    They were too close to the door to close it. 
    *    The buck does funny things when the does are present. 
    *    They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line. 
    *    To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 
    *    The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 
    *    After a number of injections my jaw got number. 
    *    Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear. 
    *    I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 
    *    How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


CROSS THE RIVER
   
Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river." Suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river.
    The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." The man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river.
    The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.


MATH GRADES
   
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an "F" in arithmetic.
    "Why?" asks the father.
    "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6.'" 
    "But that's right!" The father replied.
    "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
    "What the heck's the stupid difference?" asked the father.
    "That's what I said!"


WILLIAM TELL
   
There is some evidence that William Tell and his family enjoyed bowling. However, all bowling records from his day were destroyed in a fire. Thus, no one knows for whom the Tells bowled!


NEVER FORGETS
   
An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
    "Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.
    "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."
    "Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.
    "Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall!"


CHANGE YOUR COURSE
   
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”
    The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”
    Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
    “I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”
    Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
    There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”


US Government
    One day Benny and his Daddy were at the dining room table working on the boy's Social Studies homework. As they looked over the chapter about government, Benny turned to his Dad and asked, "Daddy, how many people work in the U.S. government?" 
    Benny's Pop replied without hesitating, "Oh, about half of them."


WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE
    So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
    The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
    One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
    Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
    This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
    At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
    For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
    At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
    The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
    The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
    Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"


Newspaper Ad 
   
The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

    MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Pbone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap. 
    TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M." 
    WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him." 
    THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!


SPELLING TEST
   
A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"
    To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.
    "Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love: L-o-v-e."
    St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
    "I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
    St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
    So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.
    "What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
    Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
    To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
    "What word?" he asked.
    The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."


KNOCK KNOCK
   
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.
    Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door.
The next day as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10."
    Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me."
    Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."


REMEMBER ME?
    A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?" 
    The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"


SWALLOWED
   
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". 
    The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" 
    The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"


DIFFERENT CHICKEN
   
One of the chickens in the hen-house decided to be different, and instead of laying an egg, laid an orange. One of her chicks came in and saw it, and said, "Look what marmalade!"


SAY IT WITH FLOWERS
   
A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read, "Say It With Flowers." 
    "Wrap up one rose," he told the florist. 
    "Only one?" the florist asked. 
    "Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."


STONES THROW
   
A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. 
    "It's only a stone's throw away from the beach," he was told. 
    "But how will I recognize it?" asked the man. 
    Back came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."


A PANDA BEAR WALKS INTO A BAR...
   
...and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender yells for him to stop. The panda bear asks, "What do you want?" The bartender replies, "First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food." The panda bear turns around and says, "Hey! I'm a Panda. Look it up!" The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read: "Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it's stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."


HOPPING AROUND
   
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. 
    When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" 
    The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"


SPEAK ENGLISH?
   
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. 
    "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. 
    "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.
    "Parlare Italiano?" No response. 
    "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. 
    The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." 
    "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."


FOOL
   
A Preacher was standing at the Pulpit giving his Sunday sermon, when a note was passed to him. The only word written on the sheet was "FOOL".
    Looking up at the Congregation, the preacher smiled and said "I have heard of men who write letters and forget to sign their names, but this is the first time I have seen a man sign his name and forget to write the letter!"

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Copyright © 2003 OREGON COAST PHOTOGRAPHERS' ASSOCIATION, Inc. All rights reserved.
Version: 1.0
Revised: Maay13, 2003